I’ve landed on the other side of my voice battle. I still have vocal therapy to do, and I will always have to be intentional about it, but now I know what I’m working with for the long haul. It is both freeing, and if I’m honest, maybe a bit of a letdown. Especially at first. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly happy about the results. Everything is easier now. Breathing. Swallowing. Talking. But at the end of the day, I still have a paralyzed vocal cord. I will never be what I once was. I have dynamics in my voice and more clarity, but it’s inconsistent. I can carry a tune, but it isn’t pretty. From the outside, everything looks resolved, but I still feel the loss. I’m not sitting around and having a pity party or anything, but it’s not all I longed it would be. I put a tremendous amount of effort into the resolve of this and the results are just what they are.
I’ve found that the resolve of an expectation can sometimes be an abrupt thump of a descent. So much energy goes into the anticipation. So much thought is centered around it. Like the awaited vacation, the new marriage, the dream job, and the list could go on and on. If we’re not watchful, an answered prayer can become as much of a letdown as an unanswered one. All that it isn’t can be more debilitating than it never being. I think the simple truth is…life will never be 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔. It will never be the whole package. We only open that gift when we make our final landing in heaven. I’m learning that if we don’t land on the other side of an expectation with a new expectation, the drop can severely injure our hearts.
I’m also reminded of how important it is to choose thankfulness. Not just because things could be worse, and not because things are better than they were. But because we are still in God’s hands. He is still holy. He is still loving. He has a plan, and we’re still in it. There is a bigger picture, and I have much to be thankful for. I’m being reminded just how precious a day without pain is. Just how precious spending time with my children is. How precious it is to pour myself out on a young married couple. How precious old friends are. And how precious the sunshine is on my face.
This isn’t heaven, but I’m thankful for the little glimpses of its goodness that I get to see every day. No answered prayer will be the fullness of any longing in me, but each one is a token of what’s to come when I one day stand face-to-face with the One that deserves every ounce of gratefulness in me.